Saturday, August 31, 2013

Noah's Pics: Edition Two

i love this picture for so many reasons. one is because noah is being held by his grandma edy, and we all love grandma edy. she was there with us all through labor and noah's birth, supporting and just doing whatever she could to help. she also was there every single day, and sometimes overnight, at the hospital by noah's bedside when he was sick. she knows noah better than anyone besides his mommy and daddy. she's able to remind us of little things he did, like sing in his sleep, when we've forgotten those precious moments. i'm eternally grateful to share noah memories with her. 

another reason i absolutely love this picture is because it's pretty much the only picture we have of noah without him all swaddled up and covered before he got sick. you can see his arm peaking out and a glimpse of the only real outfit he wore. a froggy onesie that grandma edy gave him.

he's also doing his "i love you" in sign language. 

that's our sweet baby boy.

as the gap of time between noah's life on earth and the present grows longer, my memory of him seems to become more hazy. 

his little froggy outfit and blanket don't have his scent anymore.

my arms have forgotten what it feels like to have a 7 pound, 5 ounce baby in them. they only feel heavy and ache for what once was there.

i can no longer hear his distinctive coos in my head. 

i have absolutely no memory of his baby bottom. i know that sounds super weird, and i'm sure it looked just like every other baby's bottom, but i still feel like i'm missing out on something, not knowing.

i also have no memory of changing his diaper. i know i did a couple times on that first glorious day of his life, but i have no recollection. and that breaks my heart. (missing changing my baby's diaper?? sounds crazy, huh? but it's true.)

memories of noah are my only link to him. and when they fade, i feel like he is fading. and that makes me panicked and scared.

time is a constant enemy. the more that it passes, the farther away he feels. and that makes me miss him even more.

yet, i long for time to pass, and pass quickly, so i can leave this palpable, intense pain behind and enter into a new, less heartbreaking season.

no matter how you slice it, with time, i can't win.

but thank God we have this picture, and handfuls of others, so that time, in that one moment, stood still.

1 comment:

  1. This is a beautiful picture of a beautiful baby. He looks a lot like his daddy, I think. Blessings on you, McCayla.