Running Ragged

i can't believe it's been 5 days since i last wrote. moreover, i can't believe i've packed those 5 days so tight that i haven't had the time, or energy, to post anything.

i'm running myself ragged.

wherever the line is between "just-getting-my-mind-off-of-the-pain-for-awhile" distractions and "i-don't-want-to-deal-with-reality" distractions, i'm riding that line.

just a few of the plethora of distractions, whether healthy or unhealthy, that i have focused my energy on the last couple of months...

• running a few times a week with my husband (which i have never before done. i hate running.)
• reading stacks of books
• writing for this blog
• playing with our dog, samson
• gossiping 
• watching copious amounts of television
• and of course if we're talking about distractions, we have to mention work, the most socially acceptable addiction

work has become a place i can be someone else. i turn my mind off of loss and sadness and let it get swept up in deadlines and to-dos. i take on more responsibilities and hours so that i can try to drown out the screaming void of missing noah. but then i'm completely beat at the end of the day and simply too tired to get anything done around the house and too overwhelmed to talk to anyone.

it is very, very easy for me to see why destructive and addictive behaviors can all too effortlessly emerge out of deep pain and loss. as human beings, we search in desperation for any sort of anything to avoid the horrific anger and loss of control in reality. unhealthy coping mechanisms are prime 'go-tos' when there is a gaping hole in your life that needs filling. (and losing a baby you spent years planning for and dreaming about is quite the hole.)

but then i find that all too often i overdo it. i overcompensate. i try too hard to fill the void of noah not being here with as much as i can, until i'm overwhelmed and can't breathe.

i had to cancel a handful of really fun plans with dear friends this week because there weren't enough hours in the day and i just needed rest. (clue #120 that i'm a tried and true introvert.)

for all the ways grief shows up in my world, it glaringly forces me to do life completely differently than i've always done. i can't just work hard, play hard, and rest hard all in three equal measures. because grief, for whatever reason, takes up almost all of my energy, in every area. so something has to give.

i want to answer every text in a timely and thoughtful way.

i want to spend time preparing for our upcoming vacation to the east coast by researching restaurants, buying a cute dress and creating way too detailed, over the top itineraries for each day.

i want to spend quality time with each loving friend who reaches out to us.

so i try and fake it. i assume everything is 'fine' and i can say, "yes" when i really should say, "no."

but i can't do life the way i always have, trying to please everyone. i don't have the capacity.

i can't bury myself in denial, pretending everything is okay and life is just going on as 'normal.'

i need to take care of myself and allow myself a lot more grace.

grief is no joke. it has the sneaking ability to suck the life right out of you.