Girl Scout Grief

lately i've been in a perpetual bad mood.

i don't feel motivated to do anything, yet i'm bored out of my mind.
the smallest inconvenience frustrates the crap out of me.
i don't have the energy to respond kindly, so i'm short with others.
i'm tired, yet restless.
and our obnoxious neighbors annoy me so much that i want to bomb their house.

...obviously i'm just a peach to be around.

and because i'm sooo well-educated on grief from all the pamphlets and booklets we've been given - i can understand this to mean i am in my "anger phase." i am also smart enough to know there aren't really "phases" in grief. it's all a bunch of bull. yes, there are different emotions and experiences you'll have that are "normal" (ie. sadness, anger, denial, shock, etc.), but to call them phases is kind of misleading. because it's not like once you successfully complete one phase, you get to move on to the next, and pretty soon - hey, look at that, i'm all healed.

it's not like a girl scout earning her badges, people. (that was me being a little short with you. i apologize.)

as much as i'd like to smoothly move from one phrase to the next, earning "grief badges" in some sort of organized fashion, i jump from sadness to denial, then pleasantly linger in shock for awhile, then lose my patience with the kind lady giving me a pedicure, then run two miles to burn off some of that nervous energy, and then finish it all off by drowning myself in a bowl of ice cream. it's a huge hot mess.

but in this moment i'm mad. and my lack of patience and sharp words are just a bubbling up of the horrific anger i feel inside.

anger needs an outlet, and will seep through any crevice to get out. anger brings out the worst in me.

i'm not proud of my behavior. and i'm ashamed of the mean ways i treat people. i'm sorry that this is the wife my husband lives with. i'm sorry that my mother bears the brunt of my unkindness. i'm sorry i don't take a moment to smile at the grocery cashier.

i'm taking out my anger and frustration, that has nowhere else to go, on everyone in my wake.

forgive me. it's only because i'm mad that my baby boy isn't here.