Monday, August 5, 2013

two months.

my sweet, precious, beloved noah-boy,

you are literally my heart. my greatest joy.

everything that i hold dear and sacred in my life is in you. the wonder of love, of God's creation. and part of your brilliant daddy.

i thank God for that day you were born. june 5, 2013.
for at 11:56pm on that holy night, the world was changed. for good.

my life was changed. for good.

and you came into the world so perfectly!
you barely made me feel sick while i was carrying you.
you were head down, ready to go, for weeks. perfect.
you were the perfect size. 7 pounds, 5 ounces.
you had the perfect cry the instant you took your first breath.
well done, you.

perfectly peaceful, you were.

there was no mistake made.

i once overheard a dear friend, many years ago speaking of me, say, "she could fail at everything, but to succeed at being a mom, for her, life would be a success."


you gave me the greatest gift. the gift i have been waiting for all of my life. the gift of being a mother. your mother.

and i will always be.

i'll never stop caring for you. i will continue to nurture your spirit on earth by taking deep care of your lasting legacy. i will fight for you. i will stand firm for you. your memory will be long-living. even in death, you will remain alive.

you are a miracle. and though your loss here on earth is great and the pain is deeper than it feels possible to bear, you have inspired us, with every day, to be a miracle like you.

i will remember you in every rainbow, every hospital, every baby's cry, every loss, every blessing, and every tear.

i will remember you on every 5th of the month, 18th of the month, 23rd of the month, and every other single day.

i can't ever forget the bursting joy you brought into this world the moment you arrived, because everything i do is now colored by it. for good.

your life, if only 13 days, will impact and bless the rest of mine.

i promise, in honor of you, to love deeper, purer and with more passion and humble vulnerability, all those in my world - especially your amazing daddy and future little brothers and sisters, our rainbow babies.

be at peace.
for noah, you are peace personified.

sweet dreams, little man.

love always,
your adoring mommy


  1. I hope you don't mind me following your blog. I don't know you or your family personally but found you through a mutual friend on Facebook. We lost my niece almost 1 year ago at 28 weeks gestation and I am struggling to come to terms with what that loss means to me and to my sister. As a "co-mourner", my heart aches to make things better for her and reading the thoughts and emotions of a mother who has been through what she has been through is really helping me understand how I can be more supportive of her. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings so openly and thank you for sharing photos of your sweet baby boy. Noah is beautiful and completely perfect. I know you couldn't know what would take place at the time of Noah's birth, but He did -and Noah did and does have a purpose here.

    1. of course i don't mind you following my blog - i'm so glad you are. i'm so very sorry for the loss of your niece. thank you, on behalf of your sister, for loving her and supporting her through it all...even in your own sadness and loss. and thank you for your kind words of noah - that blesses my heart. much love.

  2. I lost my son Joel at 2 days old...I miss him terribly. But I was thrilled to be his mom. Your cousin directed me to your blog as you're experiencing something similar. Joel passed away 7/16/13. I'm so sorry for your loss as well.

    1. chrissy, i am so, so, so very sorry for the loss of your sweet joel. my heart breaks with yours. it is not fair and not the way it's supposed to be. i pray we can find some sort of comfort and peace from knowing we aren't alone in our pain. bless you in this tender time.

    2. Thanks. It is helpful to know you're not alone.