Wednesday, August 7, 2013

My New Name

so two nights ago i had a full-fledged breakdown.

it basically began when we watched a show on tv where the story revolves around a police investigation about dozens of young ladies who have been murdered in the seattle area. real light and lovely, huh? so the perfect thing to watch when i'm already super emotionally fragile. (that's sarcasm.)

although the show is fiction i still got kind of invested, especially in a story line about a guy on death row for murdering his wife. and they aren't really clear whether or not he's actually guilty of the crime. i believed he was innocent.

so the entire episode went through his last hours before he (spoiler alert) was killed.

it was intense, dramatic and way too graphic.

and the second the credits rolled i lost it. i was so pissed. he didn't deserve to die. he was innocent and i was horrified. and i know it wasn't real but it basically could be.

because the innocent die. for no reason.

and it's not fair. so i wept. and wept. and wept.

i hated the world we lived in. where so much injustice just seems to run rampant. where A+B does not = C. where suffering doesn't make sense. where a baby boy could die from a fatal lung disease.

i felt like i was drowning in despair.

and then, like a flash, i remembered a text i had received the night before from one of my besties. it was sent right after church, where we were singing the song below. and her text said, "God gave you a new name tonight. and i think you already know what it is." and i honestly didn't. so i had to ask her.

but wouldn't you know, that the exact moment in my life where i felt THE most hopeless, would be the moment i remembered my new name.


and let me just say right now, my friends, because i'm standing on the edge and know - hopelessness literally kills. it kills your spirit. it kills your reason for living.

but if we can hold on to that 1% of hope left, it's a light that breaks through the darkest of breakdowns. i stand and testify to that Light. because there has to be more to all this disgusting ugliness. one day i believe all will be made right.

my new name is Hope. and i'm desperately holding onto it to save my life.


  1. I think you are pretty amazing. Maybe you've heard this before but you are deeply touching lives of people you don't even know. I'm sure you never asked for this to be the way you would touch and inspire people you don't even know. I was wondering if you might consider posting the link to your latest blog posts on the Pray for Noah Facebook page (can the page name be changed to Rainbows for Noah?)? I would love for your post updates to show up in my Facebook feed - and it will make it easier to share.

    1. thank you so much, jana. and that's a great idea - to change the Pray for Noah page name. first i need to figure out how to do that :)

  2. McCayla, I've been following your story (and praying for you guys) since Laura first shared it on Facebook back in June. My heart simultaneously breaks and strengthens every time I saw an update on Facebook and now on your blog--your faith through all of this is a light to me and, I don't doubt, many others. You mentioned in a previous post that Satan wants you to be crushed by this, and the fact that you refuse to be just underscores again how the Lord WILL use this immense sadness for some good. I will continue to pray for your peace and healing.

    1. bless you, erin, and thank you so so much for your prayers and encouragement. i'm so grateful that somehow my words are giving hope and strength to you. praise God that even in my greatest weakness, He can use me. be blessed today.