it basically began when we watched a show on tv where the story revolves around a police investigation about dozens of young ladies who have been murdered in the seattle area. real light and lovely, huh? so the perfect thing to watch when i'm already super emotionally fragile. (that's sarcasm.)
although the show is fiction i still got kind of invested, especially in a story line about a guy on death row for murdering his wife. and they aren't really clear whether or not he's actually guilty of the crime. i believed he was innocent.
so the entire episode went through his last hours before he (spoiler alert) was killed.
it was intense, dramatic and way too graphic.
and the second the credits rolled i lost it. i was so pissed. he didn't deserve to die. he was innocent and i was horrified. and i know it wasn't real but it basically could be.
because the innocent die. for no reason.
and it's not fair. so i wept. and wept. and wept.
i hated the world we lived in. where so much injustice just seems to run rampant. where A+B does not = C. where suffering doesn't make sense. where a baby boy could die from a fatal lung disease.
i felt like i was drowning in despair.
and then, like a flash, i remembered a text i had received the night before from one of my besties. it was sent right after church, where we were singing the song below. and her text said, "God gave you a new name tonight. and i think you already know what it is." and i honestly didn't. so i had to ask her.
but wouldn't you know, that the exact moment in my life where i felt THE most hopeless, would be the moment i remembered my new name.
and let me just say right now, my friends, because i'm standing on the edge and know - hopelessness literally kills. it kills your spirit. it kills your reason for living.
but if we can hold on to that 1% of hope left, it's a light that breaks through the darkest of breakdowns. i stand and testify to that Light. because there has to be more to all this disgusting ugliness. one day i believe all will be made right.
my new name is Hope. and i'm desperately holding onto it to save my life.