Tuesday, August 20, 2013

"Happy" Birthday

so, today is my birthday. i've always loved birthdays and every year i pretty much am counting down the days until august 20th. i was one of those annoying people who not only considers the actual birth date my 'special day' but the entire week. celebrations in my honor could last the entire month of august for all i cared.

this year, however, is very different. i barely even remembered it was my birthday. i don't have a party planned or that butterfly feeling of excitement in my stomach. i had to do the math just now to even figure out how old i'm going to be. there's absolutely no anticipation and i definitely don't feel like celebrating. it's just another day without noah that i have to endure.

a lot has happened this year. a lifetime, in fact. last year for my birthday i made a simple wish for my 31st year - to become a mother.

this time last year my husband and i desperately wanted to be pregnant, and had been trying for almost a year. then finally i miraculously got pregnant, had an amazing nine months with a life in my tummy, our son noah was born, 13 days later he died, and two months after that i'm back where i began.

all this happened between two birthdays. what a year.

so my birthday wish for this year, my 32nd year of life is this -

i hope this is the worst birthday i'll ever have.

(that was actually what my brother and sister wished for me in my birthday card this year and i very much appreciate the sentiment. because it's absolutely spot on true to what i'm feeling.)

sometimes i'm terrified that these last few months might not be the worst time in my life. what if something even more tragic or awful happens in my lifetime? is that even possible? what if i lose another child? what if i lose my husband?

please, please. be cool, God.

i pray, with every bit of hope and faith i have, that the worst is behind me.

and may this be the worst birthday ever because, from here on out, life will just get better and better.


  1. I hope and believe that this will be the worst birthday you'll ever have, and probably the worst Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. This is just going to be a really sucky year! Next year will be a little bit better. Set your expectations low and be very protective of yourself. I promise you, things will get better, It's just going to take a long, long while.

  2. McCayla ~ your posts continue to speak to me. Even for those who haven't gone through this same type of life-stopping, gut-wrenching, on-going pain, (which thankfully is a relatively small circle this early in life), you express "beautifully" the reality of what most of us just fear. Probably most, if not every, parent carries around the, "how would I survive the loss of my child?" fear. We do not know how you are feeling, but I for one have certainly imagined it in my mind many times. There can't be anything worse. Just know you will survive and eventually thrive. We love you...(albeit VERY imperfectly!) God loves you...(perfectly, but not in a way we can always make sense of). This has to be your worst birthday ever. It is all up from here. I pray that today brings you some unexpected joy in the midst of your pain as we all celebrate YOU!