What Could Have Been

well, it's officially "the holidays." the time of year that is the most difficult for parents who have lost a child, or so i've heard. i have yet to experience its entirety for myself, but i already believe it's true.

today noah was supposed to be dressed up as a giraffe, cowboy, or something else equally adorable. we could have had him in a boat costume with stuffed animals surrounding him in the boat. noah's ark. how cute is that?!

i don't believe there is a more heart wrenching emotion than wishing for "what could have been." 

we've all experienced it. 

what would have happened if i committed to that relationship, instead of letting fear dictate my decisions? she could have been the one.

if we didn't experience x, y or z, could our marriage have survived?

what if he never got on that airplane?

what would my life be like if i had gone to that other college?

life is complicated sometimes, isn't it? messy, gritty, with endless possibilities. that's life. beautifully murky.

obviously, my "what could have beens" with noah are much, much more than costumes on halloween. i could live without those. what's almost unbearable to live without, however, is him. 

because i know with all my heart he would have been the most gentle, kind, loving and funny little boy in the world. and grown up to be a respected, giving, faithful man who would be admired and cherished by everyone who knew him.

this is what could have been.

halloween, and every holiday after, is just a stark reminder.