Paper Pregnant

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." (ecclesiastes 3:11)

last year october 4th was a thursday. i remember because i took a pregnancy test and got a + that day. it was such a good day. i wanted to scream our news from the rooftops. everyone who i ran into that day, whether i knew them or not, i wanted them to know, "I'M PREGNANT!!" but just john and i knew. it was our little secret. but not for too long. i'm incapable of keeping secrets. i'm not superman.

which leads me to a "secret" i just can't keep anymore.  i was going to wait until this october 4th to share our latest big announcement, because wouldn't that be cute and special, but then i was like, screw it - i can't wait that long. and what's so bad about october 2nd anyway? it's a fine day.

so, here it goes. john and i are PAPER PREGNANT!!!

and your loving response is probably, "yay!!! that's great news! but what the H does it mean?"

i'll tell you.

john and i are going to adopt a baby!!! noah is going to be a big brother. and as far as our social worker is concerned, we are "expecting."

this is obviously very exciting for us, but, as you can imagine, it was also a difficult decision. not because we don't have the desire to adopt, we most definitely do, but because everything that happens in our life, from here on out, is plan B. noah was our plan A. there's no getting around that, and it's hard to swallow sometimes.

but even plan Bs can be pretty beautiful. Jesus was plan B. 

and even though we didn't plan it this way and it wasn't the original design, we believe our story is still being written, and there's goodness yet to come. we just have to look at our life through the lens of a "new normal."

and our road to pursue adoption was not a simple, snap decision. it's something we always felt like would be a part of our family story. for one, i'm adopted. and i've been crazy-blessed because of the adoption plan my birth mother made 32 years ago. i know, without a shadow of a doubt, i'm in the family i was meant to be in. and i'm grateful everyday for it.

we believe adoption can be the most remarkable gift, for everyone who is blessed to be touched by it.

another reason adoption holds so much hope for us, and i'm not sure i've shared this before on the blog, but there's a chance that the condition that took noah's life (ACD) is genetic, meaning there's a small possibility it could happen again. (lord, have mercy.) so for the past four months we have not only been grieving the loss of our sweet, perfect baby boy, but the loss of potential future sons and daughters. and that is absolutely heartbreaking.

but we refuse to be shackled by fear.

we don't know what our future holds, but pretty much the only thing we do know is that we are meant to be parents again, no matter what road leads us there. so we're not giving up.

and we pray, with everything we have, that our rainbow baby will arrive very, very soon.



In some circles, babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as "Rainbow Babies." The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.
                                                                      ---  Definition Source