The Love That Remains

"just because you don't feel devastating pain every minute of the day, and are able to somewhat function, does not mean you love noah any less."

words from our counselor this morning. words i needed to hear.

hundreds of times a day, i fight off thoughts of noah. not because i don't love him. not because i don't care about him. but because if i allow myself to really "go there," to let my brain absorb the violent truth that noah isn't here, my soul wouldn't be able to withstand the weight of that constant sorrow. so i push those thoughts aside. so i can cope. so i can survive the day.

then i feel guilt. heavy guilt.

i should visit noah's place more often.

do we have too many pictures of noah up in our house?

should we have more pictures of noah around the house?

something must be wrong with me when someone else starts crying talking about noah, and i don't join them.

i should light noah's remembrance candle more often.

i don't talk about him enough.

i talk about him too much.

guilt is a nag. and it's constant and exhausting. guilt is a total b-word.

why do i equate the value of my love for noah by my grief-stricken responses, actions and feelings?

can't i just trust that i love noah with a deep, unconditional, never-ending, world shaking, vulnerable love that has absolutely nothing to do with my coping strategies?

i love noah. 

and of course there is pain. we have experienced a tragic, unexpected loss. but if you peel back the layers of pain, love is almost always there at the root.

i feel pain because i love.

and though i don't always know how to best navigate this hell without him, and don't always have tangible ways to show and proclaim my love for him, somehow this love survives within my spirit, whether it's accompanied by pain or not. and, i believe, this love is only going to get stronger and stronger each day. less marked by pain, and more by pride and gratitude.

because i'm not created for pain. i was created for love. i was created, as was noah, out of Love. that's what will remain. not pain. love.

saudade.

saudade is a portuguese word that has no direct translation in our language. as wikipedia puts it, saudade "describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic or deeply melancholic longing for something or someone that one loves. moreover, it often carries with it a repressed knowledge that the object of longing will never return."
another way to think of saudade is "the love that remains."

(saudade quote given as a gift from a dear friend.)