Sorry Bob Marley, but Every Little Thing is NOT Gonna Be Alright

a couple nights ago while john and i were just sitting in the living room watching tv, all of a sudden i realized that at that exact moment, three months to the day, my water broke. and i could barely remember how i felt and what that moment was like, because it just made my heart ache like crazy. 

but i'm sure it was something like hope, excitement and unbridled expectancy. feelings very foreign to me today.

it's really difficult for me to think about anything BN, before noah. i can't look at pictures of myself pregnant or see any sort of baby gear without feeling deep sadness, almost like a haunting. i mourn, not only the loss of precious noah, i mourn the loss of me.

because i was a completely different person BN. carefree, for the most part. positive. i saw the world as a place where goodness pretty much reigned. God of course worked all things for good and always knows what He's doing, i never questioned it.

so not only am i grieving the devastating, world-rocking loss of noah, i'm grieving that i'll never be pregnant without fear. because having a blissful, worry-free pregnancy, for me, is past.

i'm grieving that i'll never be able to go to a wedding and just think of all the joy and adventures that lie ahead for the beaming couple. instead, my mind will automatically go to what tragedies lie ahead. because "every little thing is not gonna be alright." and screw you, bob marley, for saying so. you lie.

and this isn't me. i'm not a negative person. i hate thinking of so much negativity. it's disgusting. but it's real.

here's what it comes down to... i mourn the loss of my naivety. my worldview has been turned upside down. i know, all too well, that awful, tragic, unexpected events can happen to anyone, at anytime. and it's not like i didn't realize or know that BN. i wasn't completely stupid. i had my share of sorrow. i lost my dad to cancer at 8 years old and i've witnessed poverty and injustice in the world, firsthand. i've always experienced life not being perfect. but the difference is, now horror is so much more real. i can't ignore it or pretend it's not there. because the absolutely unthinkable happened to me, my long-awaited, most beloved baby boy died. and in a world where that can happen, anything can happen. because this world is messed up.

and, on this side of eternity, death is permanent. every other "bad" time in my life, like not getting a job i wanted or waiting for what seemed like forever to be married, was just a season. it passed. all i had to do was "get through it" and then life would be better.

but not now. the moment noah got sick and died was the moment my life was thrust on a completely different path. i can never go back to the life i once had. i have a new life now. a new reality. john and i lost a baby. that's our new normal. it's never going to be "fixed" or be changed. there's nothing we can do.

and i hate that. i fight it. i wish it were different. i wish i could go back to life the way it was BN. but then i guess that would mean no noah. and i could never wish for that.