Heaven, the Not Yet

before there was noah, heaven was nothing more than a passing thought to me. sure, i believed there was one and it was probably a nice place and all, but i didn't really care that much. it didn't matter what it was like, or where, or if it even existed, because i'd be dead. so oh, well.

but heaven becomes a hell of a lot more important when your baby, your heart, is there. 

heaven HAS to be, not only real, but nothing short of perfect, because my most cherished, most sacred little being is spending eternity there. and i HAVE to believe, in order for me to take my next breath, he is somewhere better than i can imagine.

a lot of people have a lot of things to say about what this heaven place is and what noah could potentially be doing while he's "there".

"noah is probably up there fishing with his grandpa.

"i can see grandma holding him in her rocking chair."

"he's gotta be playing with all the other little kids."

"i'm sure he misses you as much as you miss him."

"he's an angel watching over you."

and though those images bring me some sort of comfort, and they're all well intentioned and hold pieces of truth, i believe there's got to be more to "heaven" than just a fun place in the sky. 

it's beyond our understanding.

the most beautiful way i've heard heaven described was by a dear friend of mine from high school. she expresses in words what my soul knows but can't seem to explain.

"I want to believe that heaven means no waiting. What would the point be? If heaven is life and love and purpose perfected, then there is no further need for waiting. So when Noah went ahead of us here on earth, for him, he arrived Home and was greeted by you and John and all who have ever and will ever love him for a truly joyous celebration in every way."

like the airport scene at the end of love actually.

there's nothing more beautiful than reunions. and a heavenly reunion, at that. 

it just makes me weep. 

however, i DO NOT believe noah is waiting around for us, missing us, just killing time being an angel and playing in heavenly meadows until we die too. 

he's in another dimension. a dimension without time, without a calendar counting down the days. 

before noah, i thought of heaven as the "Great There." it's somewhere apart from everything we see now, on earth. separate. or whatever it is, it's not here.

but heaven is so much more than the not here, it's the not yet.

noah is already existing in the fulfillment of how it all is supposed to be. (did i just blow your mind? i know. mine's been blowing up ever since june 18, 2013.)

we, here on earth, have just not caught up with him yet.

but here's what my brain can handle right now - noah is with Jesus. and Jesus is gentle and good. so my boy is okay. he's more than okay.

and i guess that's all this mama needs to know right now.