Thursday, September 12, 2013

How Are You?

how's it going? how're you doing? how are you?

all questions we ask each other, not to necessarily know the answer, but more like a way to say hello. 

i realized yesterday that in the last three months i have yet to respond to any of those types of questions without the simple answer of "ok." 

this is strange for me. usually my response was something like, "pretty good!", "can't complain!", or maybe even an "Awesome!" every now and then. 

but then my world was turned upside down.

i found pretty early on after noah died that responding to how i am doing with anything better than just "ok" would be a lie. sure, there are elements of good in my life. my husband. our home and health. my family and friends. 


but overall, life is kind of a little awful right now. 

a friend of mine said that she would imagine that the world just wasn't a beautiful place to me anymore. and it's true. i've got a dark cloud hovering over, and tainting, my otherwise once positive outlook on life.

i wonder when, or if, life will ever be "good" again. 

i have hope it will. i have to believe this dark cloud can't stay too horribly long. 

unfortunately, that doesn't mean the devastation of losing noah will ever go away, that's impossible.

so, although i'm not sure how life can ever be good again without noah here...

there's got to be a way, somehow, for pain and redemption to coexist. and i'm determined to try and find it.


  1. I just wanted you to know that the time I spent in Seattle a few years back meant so much to me. You are a wonderful person and I look up to you and your mother so much. I wish I had some words that would comfort you, but I have none. I am just amazed by your faith, and am truly encouraged by it.
    Evangeline Carpenter

    1. thanks so much, evangeline. you do have words to comfort... because you just did. :)

  2. Hi McCayla- I am a friend of your SIL Katy. I have not lost a child, but have learned a lot about grief in having lost my parents. I've learned that society does not know how to react to people in grief. They want you to be better, like today (!), and cannot imagine the length of time it takes to process grief. Loss sucks. I just want to say, I HEAR you in your anger, I HEAR you in your moments of joy, I HEAR you when you speak of unbearable pain and I HEAR you when you are disappointed in your faith-filled family and friends who may not be there to support you. Grief is HARD. You have PERMISSION to grieve! You are not an anyone's timetable, except the Lord's. I want to simply send you an online hug and let you know, I stand with you in your grief, and there WILL be a better day ahead! :) Griefshare and the TEARS foundation (for parents of lost children) are good resources...when YOU are ready. My pastor told me he believes it can reasonable take over a year to process grief, depending on whom you lose...and that was freeing to me. I had permission to heal in the timeline God had for me, not the timeline my family and friends had for me. I love this quote to this day:
    Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape…Sometimes the surprise is the opposite one you are presented with, exactly the same sort of country you thought you had left behind miles ago. That is when you wonder whether the valley isn’t a circular trench. But it isn’t. There are partial recurrences, but the sequence doesn’t repeat. -C. S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
    My prayers are with you dear one....much love to you~
    Chandra Lovejoy

    1. thank you so much, chandra. you are so encouraging. i am very sorry for the loss of your parents. grief sucks. but you are right, the sequence doesn't repeat, even though the terrain looks the same. so beautiful. bless you.

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  4. Praying for you and John to experience rest, and comfort, love and kindness, hope and healing. Grief is indeed a long journey. Hugs

  5. Hi McCayla,

    We don't know each other, but I feel like I know you so well. I prayed for you and your family when Noah was in the hospital after learning about you through a friend. We recently lost our sweet baby boy, Elliott, at Children's as well, and I wanted so much for you to be able to go home with your baby Noah.

    I've followed your blog, and I can relate 100% to everything you've felt. And coincidentally, since Noah passed away about a month after Elliott passed away, I think your stages of grief are about a month behind mine. I will tell you that, for me, I was only recently able to get back into enjoying life, doing the things that I love, laughing more, etc... Don't get me wrong, my heart aches for Elliott all the time, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish we still have him with us. But I tell myself that I must continue to live. And not just live, but really LIVE. For Elliott. Because through his big beautiful eyes and his sense of curiosity, I know that if he'd lived, he would grow to be someone who'd live life to the fullest. So I live my life for him. I carry him everywhere I go, and through everything I experience and see, he is with me.

    I know you have all the support you could hope for, but if you ever want to meet and have coffee to talk, I am available. This is a group I never wanted to belong to, but sometimes talking with someone who knows exactly what it's like to be in your shoes may help.


    1. oh, isabelle. i'm so, so sorry for the loss of your sweet elliott. thank you so much for reaching out. i would love to get together and hear about your story and your boy! feel free to message me on facebook. much love.

  6. MC - it does get "better." sometimes for a minute, sometimes a week, and then it gets back to terrible. But after a while, even though you will never ever ever forget, you will find small glimpses of joy. then you will pull yourself back in and think, no I can't feel joy, it's not right. but it does happen. And like Chandra said, it's on God's timetable. When you can't trust how His Hand leads you, trust his Heart for you. The soul screaming never goes away, it just lessens...I love you, MC, so many people love you. Hug Samson and John, and trust God. so many people would take the pain away from you if they could, including me.

    1. thanks, mama anne. i love you so much.

  7. I've been the same way since I lost Joel! I just say I'm hanging in there, or I'm ok. It makes me feel better to see I'm not the only one handling the loss of a baby the same way. Thanks for sharing