written december 13, 2013
we just received a very, very, very generous offer. my sister-in-law's, sister-in-law's dad, (you follow?) is a radiologist and invited us to come have an ultrasound whenever we wanted. obviously we jumped at the chance and immediately contacted him to set up a time to come in. he graciously carved out time after office hours and we began to count down the days. (for a very worried, neurotic mama, the chance to see my baby's heart beating, arms waving and feet kicking was a godsend. literally.)
and yesterday was the day. i saw him. yes. "it's" a him. we're having another son.
up until the very second i saw him on that screen, i tried the best i could to keep my head and my heart separate. being pregnant, up until that moment, was 99.9% in my head. i'm pregnant. i need to take my prenatal vitamins. i'm feeling sick, i should lay down. i hung closely on the facts and rarely let my heart carry me away with emotions, because my natural response when i'm afraid of getting hurt is defending my heart. i was just too scared to let love in - love i could lose.
but when i saw him there, with his face pressed up against my womb like he was giving kisses, my heart took over a million percent. there's nothing i could do but love him. i had no choice. i was overwhelmed with love.
one of the most beautiful gifts noah gave me as his mama was enlarging my capacity for love. the entire time i was pregnant with noah of course i loved him, but it wasn't until the moment he burst into this world with those wide eyes and baby cries that my heart stretched to welcome him in a way i never even could begin to imagine. i have a mama's heart now. and i get to begin my love for this new life, noah's little brother, now.
love doesn't mean waiting to make sure everything will turn out "okay" before giving into it. love is the opposite. it's exposing your heart to the possibility of danger, without knowing the aftermath.
love is not in the business of risk-management.
because what's going to happen will happen. i cannot change or control the uncontrollable. ACD happens. stillbirths happen. suffering happens. and no matter if i "try" not to get too attached or throw myself into the vulnerable waters of love, the outcome will not change. i might as well take every single day of this pregnancy as an opportunity to be this precious one's mommy and love him. today is all i'm given.
pretty much days after we made arrangements for this special ultrasound we received a call from our midwife team saying that they'd like to refer me to a perinatologist and get a early, detailed ultrasound. (with what happened to noah and also my dangerously high blood pressure after his birth, i guess i'm considered "high risk" so they want to keep a closer eye on me and the baby.)
so we're back to the exact same clinic with the exact same radiologist to see our crazy-loved baby boy on tuesday. and my heart is bursting with anticipation to see him again.
because i'll take every nano second i am given.
"anything is possible. stay open, forever, so open it hurts, and then open up some more, until the day you die, world without end, amen." -george saunders