A Mother's Heart

we celebrated my mother's **th birthday a couple days ago. i love her.

i've always known she was the best mother on earth, but i've seen sides of her this last year that are more brilliantly beautiful than ever. i recognize her mother-love in ways i've never known before. i think it's because i am a mother now too. and i understand.

well, sort of. i'm just scratching the surface of understanding.

on the morning that baby isaac passed away, she was the first person i called.
we cried. but mostly i cried and she comforted.

then an hour or so later i saw her make a comment on facebook that sort of worried me, because i have never seen her write something like it before. it was basically, "thank you for the support you all have shown to our family.... but right now i need some time and space. so no calls please."

obviously i called immediately.

and when she picked up the phone i heard something i don't hear very often from my mother. weeping.

my mother has been through a lot of heartbreaking things in her life, but i always find her to be steady and strong. especially around, and for, me. so to catch her in this private moment kind of startled me.

my initial feeling was deep sorrow. here's this amazing woman who would make the best grandma in the entire world and she has to watch as friend after friend embrace grandchild after grandchild, as her arms are empty. it's ridiculously unfair. my heart ached for her. she didn't deserve this. she deserves a million grandchildren to spoil and love and force to play baseball in the backyard on the 4th of july.

as these thoughts were going through my mind, she was able to muster these words through her sobs that flooded my heart... "i just want you to be happy."

she wasn't thinking about herself and her loss. in that moment, she was mourning her daughter's loss. never in my life did i feel more loved, or understand love's true meaning, then at that moment.

a mother's heart. always thinking of her child's well-being, health and happiness before herself.

i am a better mother because of you, mama. you have been my best teacher for what it means to sacrificially and selflessly love...and this makes me a better human being because of you, too.