Friday, January 24, 2014

A Rainbow Amidst the Storm

...and yes, we're feeling everything you could possibly think that we're feeling. excitement, worry, hope, expectation, impatience, wonder, terror. all at once, every minute.

around the same time we started going down the road of adoption (early last fall) we had another big decision to make... would we try to get pregnant again? there are still a lot of unanswered questions regarding the condition that took noah's life (alveolar capillary dysplasia) and we are unable to know whether or not noah contracted ACD genetically from one of us or if it was a random, awful fluke. so clearly getting pregnant again would be risky, as there is a chance future biological children could also have ACD. and frankly, with our naivety and rose colored glasses completely gone, we know all too well that there are absolutely no guarantees. for anything. we've seen too much.

but we were willing to press forward, and stuff our fear in a sack, because of love.

the only thing we really knew is that we wanted more children. we didn't care how they came into our family, through adoption or biologically, so we decided to proceed boldly down both roads, hoping those roads would lead to more children somehow, some way.

then a few short weeks later we got a positive pregnancy test. and a few short weeks after that we were home study ready for adoption, or "paper pregnant" as our social worker calls it.

double rainbows on the horizon.

you may have noticed that we are due in june. and if you know much about our noah, you know he was born in june. and what's more, these brothers have due dates one day apart. isn't that just the craziest? noah was due on june 10th (born june 5th) and mr. miles is due june 11th (his daddy's birthday).

i feel like i'm kind of in a twilight zone.

i've been writing a bit throughout the early weeks of my pregnancy and will share those posts on the blog soon. my heart is feeling many things, but the stand out is clearly love. i already love this little miles man fiercely.

i also hope to share a bit of what it is like to grieve the loss of life in the midst of celebrating a new life. grieving and celebrating are two very contrasting emotions that i'm trying to join together every minute, allowing both to belong in my heart-space at once.

one of my biggest fears in letting the world in on our news of this precious rainbow baby is that somehow noah and isaac will get "lost in the excitement." that family and friends will focus so much on the up-and-coming goodness, that our first two boys could get forgotten. "oh, that's so wonderful that john and mccayla are pregnant! now they can go back to being happy. all is well again, thank goodness." um, this is the fattest lie. please don't ever think that. we are still hurting because noah is still not here. we are still heartbroken because isaac never came home with us, and never will. nothing will ever fix that pain or make it all better.

miles is not a band aid. he is a brilliantly new, unique and wonderful life, all his own.

hear us on this. we are not looking to replace noah or isaac. they are irreplaceable.

the only difference is that there is now a physical glimpse of hope and redemption, and he's kicking me with joy right this minute. miles the miracle.

as our family expands we commit to including noah and isaac all along the way because they will always be our first and second born sons who have a very special place in our family. in families where there are two living children, and then a third child comes along, no one stops talking about the first two, or completely ignores them at christmas. so what's the diff?

so thank you for committing with us on remembering all our boys, as we welcome our beloved #3.

and thank you for joining us in our excitement and joy (and terror and worry).

miles is not the "happy ending" to our tragic story, he's an integral chapter in this crazy, thrilling, joyous, wild, heartbreaking, beautiful journey of life that is still being written. and as his rainbow life, with it's brilliant colors full of light, intersects with ours, we couldn't be prouder to be his parents and watch him grow into the man he was created to be. what a miracle.

miracle miles, we can't wait to meet you. 

In some circles, babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as "Rainbow Babies." The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.
                                                                      ---  Definition Source


  1. This is wonderful news McCayla! Second pregnancy announcement I've seen/heard today. God is good!

  2. super exciting. congratulations!!

  3. Congratulations! Really incredible news for you and your family. It is incredible how joy and sorrow can find space beside one another. Wishing you peace and continued joy as you welcome Miles in the coming months. So happy for all of you <3

  4. Wowzers! Congrats and know that you are so right about a third child being born....Noah and Isaac will not be forgotten!

  5. I'm so moved by your story, and can't wait for the next page!

  6. There is a great book that the hospital gave us called "Someone Came Before You" . . .while a bit theologically unsound (the BABY is given credit for some things that only God can accomplish). We read it every year to our Zachariah and Elijah in memory of our Samuel and talk about the baby that came before them. How we love him so much and how sad we are that he isn't here. I hope that you will be able to have memory traditions with Miles as you remember the ones that came before him. . .and I can't help but love his middle name, Samuel. It means "God has heard." Hoping for you guys.

  7. I too can't help but love the name Samuel and what it represents. You prayed for this child and The Lord has granted what you asked of him. Blessings to the Butlers!

    With love,
    Susie (who has her own Miracle Sam)
    -I'm a friend of Johns from HS)-

  8. Joyful news! My heart is full for you. I also understand what it's like to anticipate the arrival of a little bundle as you deal with sweet Sarah was a surprise (found out we were expecting her as I was grieving the loss of my daddy.) Sending hugs!

  9. Amazing. Still stunned at all you have been through. What deep losses. What joy. Thank you for being honest about it all. Your sweet family is in so many prayers tonight and each day. So tonight I say, "Goodnight, you princes of Maine. You kings of New England." I know you are not from that region, Mc, but you know what I mean. xo

  10. YAHOOOO!!! Continuing in prayer for you all!