2014: Expecting Rainbows

a year ago, this was me.

looking at this picture is incredibly difficult and gives me a very weird feeling. to be honest, i can't really look at it. i barely recognize this person and the hope and expectation bursting out of her.

2013 was not the year it was supposed to be. in fact, it was the worse one ever. i lost my heart, my innocence, my son.

but 2013 was also miraculous and beautiful, as it brought a love i had never yet experienced. this year we welcomed our son into the world and my heart was stretched wider than i thought possible. 2013 will always be the epitome of bittersweet.

one thing i've learned this year about love is that it's impossible to sincerely love without complete and utter vulnerability. 

love requires an openness, an acceptance that whomever you love might be lost. might break your heart. might hurt you.

love takes a broken heart and has the guts to hold it out and say, i'm willing to have it break again and again for another opportunity at love. love doesn't hold back.

so i continue to hope, even though it's risky. i continue to believe that there are good things ahead, even if there is only more heartache. because love is worth it and i would regret it the rest of my life if i gave up.

it would be so much easier, and safer, to recoil and shut off my heart to the world, afraid of the pain that's possible when my heart is free. my instincts say to mercilessly defend the tiny shards of heart left. protect yourself. don't be naive.

but i will fight these lies and boldly say, with trepidation and shaky knees, even without knowledge of what may come, 2014 is going to be a good one.  because i expect brilliant, awe-inspiring rainbows this year... i see them on the horizon.

bring on 2014.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. He who was seated on the throne said, 

“I am making everything new!” 

[revelation 21. 4-6]