Wednesday, July 31, 2013

i'm not skilled to understand

I am not skilled to understand
What God hath willed, what God hath planned;
I only know at His right hand
  Stands One who is my Savior

i've been having a hard time lately reconciling God's perfect and powerful sovereignty (that He has complete control over the entire universe) with the fact that noah died, and God seemingly did nothing to stop it. 

and considering i barely have enough space in my distracted-cloudy-what day is it-brain to remember my lunch or construct a coherent sentence, this is probably the best time to ponder a few theological questions that have been asked for thousands of years by the smartest minds ever. ha.

but it's literally driving me crazy. how could a God who holds the world in His hand, the world HE created out of dust mind you, not intervene and heal little noah butler's lungs? or better yet, made sure noah didn't have the rare disease in the first place? c'mon, God. it's not that hard. 

all my life i have believed in a God who heals, who performs miracles. He gave a blind man sight, turned water into wine and conquered death on a cross, after entering our world of sin. He's a God who intervenes.

surely, my God is ABLE

so it's not that God couldn't heal or save noah, it's that He didn't.

and this is where my thoughts on the matter dead end. because how can that be? isn't God loving? what happened to God IS Love? because, in my mind, not saving noah from death doesn't seem very loving. in fact, quite the opposite. 

we prayed desperately for noah all throughout the pregnancy, for his protection and health. so did we just not pray hard enough or in the right way? how does God 'decide' who gets a miraculous healing and who doesn't? who gets a healthy baby and who doesn't? and why?

i realize i'm asking a lot more questions than coming up with answers. #sorrynotsorry

but here's what i do know, and what i base my weary life on...

the God of the universe, Who holds the keys to the secrets of history and time, loves me. 

that in itself is hard to fathom. but what Jesus did on the cross proves it.

He loves me not because of what i did or didn't do. how i prayed, or if at all.
but by grace. 

i don't understand it, but i accept it.

i may never know, this side of eternity, why noah died. Lord knows, i don't understand it. but, with shaking hands and tear soaked eyes, i accept it. 

i trust You, God, so i trust You with noah.
so it's probably best that i'm not skilled to understand the workings and wondrous mysteries of God. because if i were able to, i wouldn't want to put my trust in a God that small anyway. 


  1. "...because if i were able to, i wouldn't want to put my trust in a God that small anyway."

    Powerful words, McCayla. xoxo, emma.

  2. McCayla, this is spot on. I lost my twin brother, Nick, when we were 3 1/2, and for my parents, they lost their sweet little boy.

    My brother died of viral encephalitis, after 10 days in a coma in the Seattle Children's ICU. My parents asked the same exact questions you listed above--did they not pray hard enough? Did God not hear them? Why them? Why Nick? How could our loving God take an innocent child? When really, God was crying with us.

    I was too little to understand exactly what had happened. All I knew is that my other half was missing, and my parents were really really sad, and sometimes angry and short with me. My parents have said that when they got home from the hospital after my brother died, they prayed that they would lay down and die(I am so thankful they didn't!). But somehow they made it through that darkness. Children's had a support group at the time called Journey Group, both for parents as well as a group for siblings. That helped us a lot.

    As I got older, I grew really angry at God for taking my twin. I felt slighted, cheated, wronged. I felt like I could never be whole again (and sometimes I still feel that). The only consolation is dreaming of that wonderful day when we are reunited in sweet that will be! I cannot wait!

    I have been reading your blogs and, although it was my twin and not my own child, I have felt a lot of what you have beautifully (and so honestly) written about. It took me until about age 25 to really feel release of the grief. It doesn't mean I don't miss him, and don't cry every now and then...or right now...but I believe God works only for good, and I have faith that God knows what He is doing up there. We still don't know why he died, but we can see a lot of good (25 years later) that has come out of a terrible loss. My rainbows are hummingbirds--hummingbirds always have found me since I was little, and when they show up, I know who is paying me a visit!

    I would love to see more pictures of your beautiful Noah. What a handsome boy. Thank you for posting some more in the blogs (being a L&D nurse, I love me some birth stories and baby pictures!). What you are doing in your blog is so good. I would love to share it in the future with my patients that suffer a loss, if that is ok? It is such a hard road that many people don't even realize (like coming home from the hospital and having to take down an empty nursery, or getting mailers from the baby registry who have no clue how much that hurts). It is good to walk together. I will continue to keep you and John in my prayers.

    <3 Ali