it's all too easy to believe the lies.
i deserve to suffer. for this to have happened, i must have done something to make God mad. noah's life was a waste and i was pregnant for no reason. i didn't do enough to keep noah alive longer. i caused noah to become sick. no one cares about my pain. i'll never have another child that i love as much as i love noah.
lies. i know. but they creep into my mind like savages trying to take over. sometimes they are sneaky-like and i barely notice them and sometimes they terrorize.
i do believe that it is okay, and necessary, to go through all the feelings and emotions that loss brings. i don't want to go 'around' the loss and just pretend like everything is okay - so that means daring to ask the hard questions and allowing myself the grace to wrestle with the answers. darkness will close in, that's to be expected, but i pray it doesn't settle in and make itself comfortable.
about a week ago i had one of those moments where i felt like my soul was under attack. i couldn't get my thoughts straight and i felt overwhelmed and hopeless. so to gain some sense of control i just started writing down everything i believed, or wanted to believe. each thought came quickly and boldly...almost like it was my spirit writing, not my hand. (if that even makes sense.) and this is what i wrote...
...Noah's life changed the world. He matters. His birth was not in vain.
...God's promise has not changed. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. (Hebrews 13:8)
...John and I are Noah's parents and we will be parents again.
...I am a mother.
...The evil one has no place in my mind, heart, emotions or body. I am God's and belong to Him.
...God is good. He is faithful.
...God's mercies are new every morning.
...I did not do anything to deserve this.
...We did all we could to save Noah. There's nothing else we could have done.
...Noah is at peace.
...There is nothing to fear. Death has been defeated. (2 Timothy 1:10)
...No negative or destructive thing will come from Noah's life.
...God will continue to work all things for good in this situation and our lives.
...Our marriage, family and friendships will only get stronger and more filled with love.
...We will hold onto hope and trust God is present, even when He feels far.
...Anger and bitterness will not take root in my soul.
...Noah's life will continue to bring light and love to others all our days. He will always be remembered.
there was something incredibly powerful about speaking to the lies directly. it shut them up. it reminded them, and me, Who's boss. i desperately need that reminder.... i think we all do.
i continue to go back to these declarations day after day to re-read over and over and over. because the battle is still being fought in my mind.
but even in my own battle, i find peace knowing that the ultimate battle has already been won. my God has already kicked the evil one's ass. and i stand in victory with Him today and everyday.
you do, too.