"JOY is the felt confidence that, in the end, all will be put to rights - God's great nevertheless. Joy is not the absence of suffering, but the constant companion of those who suffer. NEVERTHELESS, God is working ALL THINGS together for good." (Jesse Rice)
welcome to my blog.
frankly, i wish i weren't here. i wish there wasn't a blog based on the loss of my baby. my son. my noah.
i wish there didn't have to be any blog created because of the loss of anyone's baby. period.
but we're here. and i am determined that even in this awful, tragic and heartbreaking time, God is working for good. because He must. this mama's heart refuses to let her son's life-legacy be anything otherwise.
is what happened good, or even anywhere in the realm of good? hell, no. and i believe that my God feels the same way. i know He's as pissed as i am - and more so. this is not the way it's supposed to be.
it is my desire that this blog, these simple words on a computer screen, will somehow bring healing, comfort and hope to each person who stumbles upon them... and i pray to me too.
maybe i'll post everyday. maybe i won't. but what is for sure is that i will share my heart. my questions. my joy. my confusion. my pain. and my Jesus. i would love for you to join me as we journey through this mess of loss ... it may not always be pretty, but it is real.
while noah was in the hospital i had a waking dream as i was resting. i was traveling down a freeway at high speed when, ahead of me, i saw a huge pile of crap on the road. i got really scared that i was going to hit it and crash. but as i approached the mess, instead of crashing, i hit it in such a way that i was propelled into the air. and all of a sudden i was flying - the type of flying that felt free and peaceful. then at that very instant, this verse came to my mind...
"you intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good." (genesis 50:20)
the evil one would love nothing more than for this situation to cause massive amounts of destruction in my life - for it to wreak havoc on my soul. for me to crash and burn.
but somehow, someway, my God - who is eternally good, ever faithful and wildly creative - can take a pile of crap on a highway and use even it for His glory and purposes. and as i clumsily take off flying, trying to make sense of the wreckage, i look around and take it all in.
this is what loss looks like from here.