Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Working the Good

"JOY is the felt confidence that, in the end, all will be put to rights - God's great nevertheless. Joy is not the absence of suffering, but the constant companion of those who suffer. NEVERTHELESS, God is working ALL THINGS together for good." (Jesse Rice)

welcome to my blog.

frankly, i wish i weren't here. i wish there wasn't a blog based on the loss of my baby. my son. my noah.

i wish there didn't have to be any blog created because of the loss of anyone's baby. period.

but we're here. and i am determined that even in this awful, tragic and heartbreaking time, God is working for good. because He must. this mama's heart refuses to let her son's life-legacy be anything otherwise.

is what happened good, or even anywhere in the realm of good? hell, no. and i believe that my God feels the same way. i know He's as pissed as i am - and more so. this is not the way it's supposed to be.

it is my desire that this blog, these simple words on a computer screen, will somehow bring healing, comfort and hope to each person who stumbles upon them... and i pray to me too.

maybe i'll post everyday. maybe i won't. but what is for sure is that i will share my heart. my questions. my joy. my confusion. my pain. and my Jesus. i would love for you to join me as we journey through this mess of loss ... it may not always be pretty, but it is real.

while noah was in the hospital i had a waking dream as i was resting. i was traveling down a freeway at high speed when, ahead of me, i saw a huge pile of crap on the road. i got really scared that i was going to hit it and crash. but as i approached the mess, instead of crashing, i hit it in such a way that i was propelled into the air. and all of a sudden i was flying - the type of flying that felt free and peaceful. then at that very instant, this verse came to my mind...

"you intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good." (genesis 50:20)

the evil one would love nothing more than for this situation to cause massive amounts of destruction in my life - for it to wreak havoc on my soul. for me to crash and burn.

but somehow, someway, my God - who is eternally good, ever faithful and wildly creative - can take a pile of crap on a highway and use even it for His glory and purposes. and as i clumsily take off flying, trying to make sense of the wreckage, i look around and take it all in. 

this is what loss looks like from here.

14 comments:

  1. You are an inspiration to all who have watched you navigate this horrible situation. We pray daily for you, John and for your Noah! I love the verse- "you intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good." (genesis 50:20) for God is good even in the midst of darkness because only He can turn the darkness into light and that is our prayer for you!

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    1. thank you so so much for all your prayers. we have been very blessed by them. may the darkness be pierced by the light - yes, please. much love to you, margaret.

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  2. You have the ability to see Jesus, even in the darkest of situations, hopeless of situations, and tragic situations. You give hope to us all along the journey. You are an inspiration, and giver of light. Thank you for your precious words. And my prayer is that God continues to give you words to inspire and write.

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  3. Words are never as simple as they seem and they are very powerful, both to the writer and the reader. It's funny how sometimes you don't know exactly what you see or feel until you see yourself write it down. I hope that this page will let you keep Noah with you in some small way and help the rest of us join in your experience. Thanks for posting the link.

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    1. thank you so much, julie. i hope the same.

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  4. McCayla and John-
    Watching you navigate this journey has been inspiring to my faith. I believe that you are so right-God is pissed. He doesn't work in ways that say, "I need another angel here so I'm going to take this sweet innocent life that so touches this family." I believe you will be a light to so many who will also navigate this road, so extremely unfortunate that no one should have to go through. Know that we're praying for you.
    Jeannette, Jeff, Kaeden and Lizzy Siemers

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    1. oh, i'm so grateful for that and for your sweet family. bless you.

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  5. McCayla and John, we love you. I love you. I don't know how to do that very well sometimes, but I'll try. We're all in that fog of confusion that is this side of heaven, when all hell breaks loose and we have hope but we really want answers. But we're here, all of us, with you. And on the days when you don't give a rat's a-- if your words are blessing anyone else, and you don't feel inspirational because all you can feel is furious and cheated and broken in a million pieces - we'll still be here. My office windows have prisms in them. Come anytime, your key fits the door. Love - Karen Nelson

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    1. you can always make me smile. very grateful for your love and support, karen.

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  6. McCayla we don't know each other. However, your story is one that I can feel your pain. My wife and I are not in your situation but we did have one miscarriage at the 14 week mark that was seven and half years ago. I think that was the darkest time in my life. I was sad for about six months. My wife and I talked about trying again to have another child and we actually decided that at that time we were going to stop trying to get pregnant and just accept this is what God had given us. The next month my wife was pregnant and a few months after that the doctor told us that we were having twins. Crazy! I have always believed that God blessed us with twins because of that situation that we went through. I grieve with you and your husband and always believe that God will be faithful.

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    1. oh, peter, i am so so sorry for you and your wife's loss and i weep with you. thank you so much for sharing your story - it brings hope and strength to me today. i LOVE that you were blessed with twins!! go, God.

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  7. Happy Heaven Day Noah! You are loved from so many places on earth. Thank you so much for sharing McCayla. My prayers are with you.

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    1. thank you so much, jillian. we really appreciate your prayers. much love.

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