i've always been prone to nightmares every now and then. they're usually about someone breaking into the house or me forgetting to do something really important like take a test or memorize lines for my role as belle in beauty and the beast.
once i had a nightmare where my husband was trapped in a hole or something and i couldn't help him. i woke up sweating and panicked. it would take a few seconds, but i could always calm down from even the worst nightmare - especially when i heard my husband patiently saying, "it's okay. it's just a dream."
a few nights ago i had a dream my baby died. i don't remember the specifics of the dream, but i know i let out the most gut-wrenching scream, like every bit of my being needed to escape from my body in that one scream. then i woke up. i had the same feelings i always do when i wake up from a nightmare - i was panicked and frightened - but as my husband held me saying, "it's okay. it's just a dream." i could not shake the 'nightmare' feeling. then it hit me like a semi truck. i can't shake it because i'm living it....
i'm living my worst nightmare.
i laid there and cried. it's not just a dream. my baby died. my sweet noah. i can't just wake up with relief that the nightmare is over.
when the morning finally came, i had to go on with 'business as usual.' unfortunately we weren't in the comfort of home, so i couldn't just lay in bed all day. i had to go on. i had to pretend. i had to put on the mask that everything is okay.
but it's not okay. my soul is screaming.
i realized that the gut-wrenching scream in my nightmare is the scream i feel in my soul every minute, i just don't let it out. while others are laughing, talking about the weather, getting breakfast ready, i literally want to scream, "MY BABY DIED!!!!" and stifling that scream feels like trying to keep an enormous flotation device under water. it's exhausting. it's maddening.
i want joy again. i want to be normal. i want this dark cloud lifted from my soul so i don't feel like a zombie 21 hours of the day.
i want to cook a decent meal for my husband and me. i want to giggle with children. i want to chit chat about how the mariner's are doing. but i can't.
i'm not the mccayla i once was because i have a new reality now. my baby died.