i've never been one to pick apart my dreams, analyzing every little detail to gain some divine meaning, but i get the feeling that certain emotions that i'm not able to fully express in my real life somehow are seeping into my sub-conscience while i'm asleep.
last night was the perfect example. in my dream, i wept in the arms of a stranger, for what seemed like hours. sobbing and wailing with grief for the loss of noah.
then, at another point in the dream i sang boldly, and with quite some volume and passion, a worship song that just spilled out of my spirit while i was driving alone in my car. (it wasn't a song i knew or recognized, i was just making up my own little ditty for the Lord.)
weeping and worship. these are two expressions i believe that my soul longs to "get out of my system," they just aren't given the space to do so in my day-to-day existence.
i cry, yes. most of the time deep tears and almost always in the privacy of my own bedroom. but i'm realizing how much more despair is really down there, and i'm spending a lot of energy just bottling it up. for the depth of pain i feel, i could probably sob for years and years. my soul is willing, but my flesh is so weak.
and then there's worship. this act of love to Jesus has always been very near and dear to me. it's a part of who i am. and as i sort of described in this post, i'm standing on some pretty shaky faith-ground right now and my relationship with God is going through some, how do i say, "refining changes."
it's a comfort to me, however, that even when my body and mind don't have the strength to reach out to Jesus in such an intimate way as worship, that my inner being, my core, my spirit, is still worshipping.
"my soul longs, yes, even faints for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God."