You (Don't) Deserve This

a year ago today, july 3, we found out i was pregnant with levi. 

what a surprise. a beautiful surprise.

nothing in our lives seemed to come easy. until that day.

i had been feeling sick for a couple weeks but assumed it was because i was weaning miles off breastfeeding. was that a thing?

i finally ended up asking my doctor. she said that maybe...i should take a pregnancy test.

could i be?

i was. and literally my first words to john after taking the test...

that was easy!!

since even before day one, levi's life was a demonstration of pure grace. 

without even trying. without timing. without waiting. without stressing. 

so this is how it is for so many people. 

and then. a week-ish later. john was out of town on business and i started bleeding. like a lot.

i wept alone all night in the bathroom. 

of course. back to reality. the reality that nothing ever comes that easy. not for us. we lose. again. of course.

i ended up going to the urgent care a few days later. there was indeed a babe in there. (!) still a heart a'beatin'. but they didn't have encouraging news. a miscarriage could be likely. we'd just have to wait and see. 

i kept bleeding. i lost all hope and assumed the worst. 

yet. still that little heart kept a'beatin'. 

and a'beatin'. and a'beatin'. 

until february 25th when we got to meet the life that continually reminded us...

there's more to our story. pain, loss and stress aren't the only themes. there's grace. so much grace. 

our littlest levi. who's name means unifier. 

grace is the glue that holds it all together. Everything. grace is what holds me together.

over the last couple of years, with the arrivals of miles and levi, some people have said, after everything you've been through, you deserve this.

of course we didn't deserve what happened with noah. not even the worst person on earth deserves losing a child. but we also don't deserve a healthy miles. or a sweet levi. they're gifts. period.

what freedom it is knowing the ultimate outcome of my life doesn't all fall on me. no amount of controlling. no needing to constantly try my very best. no striving to be good enough.

i live in a world based on grace, not what i do or don't deserve. and that's a very good thing.