Thursday, April 10, 2014

The Fifth of the Month

noah was born on june 5th. every day i think of him, but on the 5th of every month i wake up feeling an extra sense of loss.

he should have been another month older. we should be documenting how big he's getting by taking his picture wearing a "i'm whatever-month old" sticker, sitting next to a stuffed animal. he should be accomplishing new milestones, like sitting, eating solid food, crawling and smiling.

but he's stuck in time as a 13-day-new little baby boy. he'll never experience what life is like on earth past 13 days. some cultures believe that when you die you don't just "freeze" as the age you were when you died, that you actually "grow" and mature in that heaven-dimension for all of eternity. when i cross to the other side, i may not meet a sleeping baby, but a dynamic spirit without an age.

that's weird to think about. much too much for my brain to comprehend on this thursday afternoon, that's for sure.

this last 5th of the month landed on a saturday and i was working that day. right now i'm helping plan events and this particular weekend was a huge 3 day long affair. early mornings. late nights. my mind was filled with catering orders, band schedules and volunteer juggling.

and i forgot that it was the 5th of the month. my firstborn son's 10 month birthday.

it didn't occur to me until i received an email from my mama that morning with a sweet note letting me know she was remembering him on his special day. treasuring the time she had holding him. and missing him. he is soooooo loved, she said. she always remembers those special days and reaches out to let john and i know he hasn't been forgotten. what a beautiful gift.

but i had forgotten.

my heart sank.

i was a little off the rest of day, trying to continue on with all i had to do for the event, but just couldn't shake the heaviness.

it wasn't until i was back home later that night when i could let it all go.

weeping, i allowed myself to feel the guilt of forgetting his 10 month birthday. i felt like a horrible mother, like i had let noah down. how can i just go on with my life and not know it was the 5th of the month? the day of the month that reminds me of the best day of my life. how can that just go unnoticed? it was a glimpse of "life going on like normal without noah" and that's been my greatest fear since the very beginning of this grief journey. it made me sick.

weeping, i also allowed myself to hear the words of my husband:

he's not forgotten. you are a good mother. your love for noah is deep and high and wide, and there's nothing that can change that.

when my brain doesn't have the capacity to hold every 5th of the month, 18th of the month, along with everything else that my weak body has to carry, it's my heart that holds it all.

my heart will hold noah for eternity.

*also, just a fun fact, i went in for an ultrasound this week and miracle miles is measuring a tad big with a new estimated due date of...

june 5th, 2014

1 comment:

  1. Aw, don't feel bad! You just didn't know what the date was yet, but I'm sure you were thinking of him that morning anyway. I know I think of him every 5th and 18th, and think of Isaac every 2nd and 6th. And let's be honest, we think of them all the days between too. Noah is so lucky to have you as his mama, and MIles is too!