Sorry Bob Marley, but Every Little Thing is NOT Gonna Be Alright

a couple nights ago while john and i were just sitting in the living room watching tv, all of a sudden i realized that at that exact moment, three months to the day, my water broke. and i could barely remember how i felt and what that moment was like, because it just made my heart ache like crazy. 

but i'm sure it was something like hope, excitement and unbridled expectancy. feelings very foreign to me today.

it's really difficult for me to think about anything BN, before noah. i can't look at pictures of myself pregnant or see any sort of baby gear without feeling deep sadness, almost like a haunting. i mourn, not only the loss of precious noah, i mourn the loss of me.

because i was a completely different person BN. carefree, for the most part. positive. i saw the world as a place where goodness pretty much reigned. God of course worked all things for good and always knows what He's doing, i never questioned it.

so not only am i grieving the devastating, world-rocking loss of noah, i'm grieving that i'll never be pregnant without fear. because having a blissful, worry-free pregnancy, for me, is past.

i'm grieving that i'll never be able to go to a wedding and just think of all the joy and adventures that lie ahead for the beaming couple. instead, my mind will automatically go to what tragedies lie ahead. because "every little thing is not gonna be alright." and screw you, bob marley, for saying so. you lie.

and this isn't me. i'm not a negative person. i hate thinking of so much negativity. it's disgusting. but it's real.

here's what it comes down to... i mourn the loss of my naivety. my worldview has been turned upside down. i know, all too well, that awful, tragic, unexpected events can happen to anyone, at anytime. and it's not like i didn't realize or know that BN. i wasn't completely stupid. i had my share of sorrow. i lost my dad to cancer at 8 years old and i've witnessed poverty and injustice in the world, firsthand. i've always experienced life not being perfect. but the difference is, now horror is so much more real. i can't ignore it or pretend it's not there. because the absolutely unthinkable happened to me, my long-awaited, most beloved baby boy died. and in a world where that can happen, anything can happen. because this world is messed up.

and, on this side of eternity, death is permanent. every other "bad" time in my life, like not getting a job i wanted or waiting for what seemed like forever to be married, was just a season. it passed. all i had to do was "get through it" and then life would be better.

but not now. the moment noah got sick and died was the moment my life was thrust on a completely different path. i can never go back to the life i once had. i have a new life now. a new reality. john and i lost a baby. that's our new normal. it's never going to be "fixed" or be changed. there's nothing we can do.

and i hate that. i fight it. i wish it were different. i wish i could go back to life the way it was BN. but then i guess that would mean no noah. and i could never wish for that.

Changed for Good

yesterday was one of the best days i've had in a long time. john and i were given an amazing, sent-from-heaven type gift. i can't wait to tell you about it! 

a little back story first. i was five years old when i got a vhs tape of The Wizard of Oz for christmas. and my heart has been completely taken with the story ever since. i dressed up as dorothy, the wicked witch and glinda multiple times for halloween. one year my mom even dressed up as the scarecrow and we carried around a huge stuffed lion to complete the ensemble. 

i read all the books, including Wicked - a story about the two witches that completely blew my mind.

then the musical, based on the book, took my love of the story to a whole new level. i saw it for the first time in LA, then Chicago, then Seattle, then Portland, then Seattle again and last night i saw it for the sixth time at the Boston Opera House.

here's how it happened. we didn't realize it was even in boston (we're here on vacation) until we arrived to town. we decided to take a chance and try to get tickets via "the lottery." 

there was only one performance showing that was available so we went for it. we arrived two and a half hours before the show began and put our names in a huge pot. both my husband and i put our names in requesting two tickets each. so we had two shots at getting our names drawn! but.... there were over a hundred people who were hoping for the same thing. chances were slim. 

then the young man was ready to draw names. the huge crowd waited in anticipation. john and i stood in the back, not feeling too hopeful.   

first winner. McCayla Butler.

that was me!!! i couldn't believe it. 

john and i made our way to the front to get our two tickets to Wicked!! 

as we were walking away he drew another name.

second winner. John Butler.

are you kidding me?!?! how is that possible? what are the odds of that! 

since we didn't need four, i asked the guy if we were able to give john's two tickets to someone else. (while we were waiting in line for the lottery i saw two little girls put their names in and i told john that if we won tickets, and they have never seen Wicked, i wanted them to go instead. i love Wicked so much it deserves to be shared.) but unfortunately we weren't able to give them away so they just had to draw another random name, in place of john's. and wouldn't you know it, the third winner was one of those little girls. out of hundreds.

there is no denying that all of that was more than a coincidence. it was a gift. 

us getting tickets at all would have been lucky. but me getting called first, john second and the two little girls i wanted so badly to be able to go called third, that's not luck, that's lavishly blessed. 

God knows me. He sees me. He loves me. and i'm overwhelmed by it.

here's noah bear sitting with us in the front row.

the following are lyrics to the song at the end of the show called "For Good." glinda and elphaba sang this song right before elphaba dies.

i thought of noah the whole time, but during this song his presence was palpible. 

I've heard it said,

That people come into our lives

For a reason

Bringing something we must learn.

And we are led to those

Who help us most to grow if we let them.

And we help them in return.

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true

But I know I'm who I am today

Because I knew you.

Like a comet pulled from orbit

As it passes a sun,

Like a stream that meets a boulder

Halfway through the wood.

Who can say if I've been changed for the better

But because I knew you.

I have been changed for good.

It well may be

That we will never meet again

In this lifetime.

So, let me say before we part:

So much of me

Is made of what I learned from you.

You'll be with me

Like a handprint on my heart.

And now whatever way our stories end

I know you'll have rewritten mine

By being my friend.

Like a ship blown from its mooring

By a wind off the sea.

Like a seed dropped by a sky bird

In a distant wood.

Who can say if I've been changed for the better

But because I knew you...

I have been changed for good.

 

but, spoiler alert, after the two witches say their goodbyes, elphaba doesn't really die. glinda just thinks she did. 

and just like elphaba, noah is alive and well too. safe from harm. 

there's more going on than meets the eye, then what i can see on this side of eternity. but that doesn't mean it's not happening.

a few weeks ago, when i was feeling super angry, a mother who also lost a baby to the same disease (ACD) that took noah, told me about how she was angry, as well, until she received a miracle that broke her anger for good. (her miracle was a few undeniable "coincidences" that couldn't be explained away.)

i was skeptical. how could this raging anger ever be tamed? and by just some random events. i didn't feel like it was possible, for me.

but, because of Wicked, and how God used the show i love to bless me, i feel my storm breaking. 

somewhere over the rainbow.

Noah's Pics: Edition Two

i love this picture for so many reasons. one is because noah is being held by his grandma edy, and we all love grandma edy. she was there with us all through labor and noah's birth, supporting and just doing whatever she could to help. she also was there every single day, and sometimes overnight, at the hospital by noah's bedside when he was sick. she knows noah better than anyone besides his mommy and daddy. she's able to remind us of little things he did, like sing in his sleep, when we've forgotten those precious moments. i'm eternally grateful to share noah memories with her. 

another reason i absolutely love this picture is because it's pretty much the only picture we have of noah without him all swaddled up and covered before he got sick. you can see his arm peaking out and a glimpse of the only real outfit he wore. a froggy onesie that grandma edy gave him.

he's also doing his "i love you" in sign language. 

that's our sweet baby boy.

as the gap of time between noah's life on earth and the present grows longer, my memory of him seems to become more hazy. 

his little froggy outfit and blanket don't have his scent anymore.

my arms have forgotten what it feels like to have a 7 pound, 5 ounce baby in them. they only feel heavy and ache for what once was there.

i can no longer hear his distinctive coos in my head. 

i have absolutely no memory of his baby bottom. i know that sounds super weird, and i'm sure it looked just like every other baby's bottom, but i still feel like i'm missing out on something, not knowing.

i also have no memory of changing his diaper. i know i did a couple times on that first glorious day of his life, but i have no recollection. and that breaks my heart. (missing changing my baby's diaper?? sounds crazy, huh? but it's true.)

memories of noah are my only link to him. and when they fade, i feel like he is fading. and that makes me panicked and scared.

time is a constant enemy. the more that it passes, the farther away he feels. and that makes me miss him even more.

yet, i long for time to pass, and pass quickly, so i can leave this palpable, intense pain behind and enter into a new, less heartbreaking season.

no matter how you slice it, with time, i can't win.

but thank God we have this picture, and handfuls of others, so that time, in that one moment, stood still.

In Joy and In Sorrow

three years ago today i walked down the aisle towards the man i had chosen to spend the rest of my life with. in joy and in sorrow. in sickness and health.

and my God did i make the right choice. (more accurately, thank God he chose me!)

i didn't realize it then, but right now, in this brutal season of life, i have come to deeply understand how important it is to marry a person with character. because "as long as we both shall live" lasts a long time and doesn't always involve a fantasy land.

take it from me, if you are thinking of getting married, imagine your fiance under the greatest amount of stress and heartache you can fathom. how do you think they would react? do they lash out with unkindness and disrespect over the tiniest inconvenience now? imagine if the horrific circumstances were soul crushing.

or do they have the capacity to overcome excruciating pain with patience and grace?

nobody really wants to ever think about their darkest times, especially when their life is filled with proposals, kisses and flowers, but it's absolutely necessary. it could save your life.

because when we are the most broken, we are the most vulnerable. and we need to have someone by our side who is tender and gentle at their core. who is willing to make sacrifices, especially emotionally, in order to care for us.

and somehow i got lucky, because the man i married has a strength i didn't know was possible in a human being. he is selfless, loyal and best of all, a loving father. i don't know what happened, or how, but noah changed my husband, for the better. and he was amazing to begin with!

i'm an ugly person most of the time right now. in superficial ways like not wearing makeup and having a jelly-belly tummy. but also in my attitude. i'm less joyful and carefree, and more bitter and jaded. i'm certainly not the woman john married.

at times we are the worst versions of ourselves. and yet, we love.

it's a wonder and a miracle. and what's more, not once these past few months, have john and i taken out our anger on each other. granted, we aren't perfect creatures and sometimes grumpiness gets the best of us, like anyone. but even during the most stressed we've ever been in our entire lives times a million - kindness, patience and grace have been poured over us in bucket loads. and that's in large part to my husband's character.

there was a milli-second moment as we were saying our "in joy and in sorrow" vow three years ago where i sensed our road would not be easy, that maybe tragedy lie ahead. obviously i bounced off of that thought pretty quickly, because that didn't mix well with the celebration of marriage. yet even in that scary moment i had a steady confidence to make this conscience decision and precede on this unknown, perhaps tragic, journey with this man. because i trusted his character. i knew that even if life wasn't always good, my life's partner was. and we would see it through together.

happy anniversary, honey. you're my miracle. i've never loved and cherished you more than i do now. i choose you everyday. and for all of our days.

all photos by Katie Anderson Photography

What's in a Name

looking back on it, we aren't really sure how we landed on the name noah. there was another name we were going to go with for awhile and then, kind of last minute, we switched to noah. and we are so glad we did.

you never know when you're picking out names for a child whether or not they'll "fit". but noah's name fit him perfectly. just the sound of the name noah is sweet and gentle. and that was him. sweet and gentle.

while noah was in the hospital God used his name, in miraculous and beautiful ways, to repeatedly remind us of His presence with us. and almost all of the time God used His people to do it.

pretty much immediately when noah started getting sick we became overwhelmed with updating friends and family with how he was doing. it's not that we didn't want people to know, we actually were desperate for prayers and support, it was so difficult because we were completely numb. we barely knew what was going on, and to try to explain to someone else what we couldn't explain to ourselves is pretty much impossible.

so my sister laura had the brilliant idea to create a group facebook page so we could ask for prayers and give updates to everyone all at once. what a miracle it was.

and what we didn't realize was that, through that page, thousands of people would become invested in noah's life and story. close friends to acquaintances to strangers would reach out with encouragement and prayers.

one of the first days we had the "Pray for Noah" page someone, who i didn't know, posted this picture of a rainbow.

(now it's currently the cover photo on the "Rainbows for Noah" facebook page.)

and just like the noah in the bible, that rainbow, and tons and tons to follow, became a sign of God's promise to us.

we came to also find out that the meanings of the name noah are peace, rest, comfort and long-living. and all of those are a 100% fit for our noah.

we learned of each meaning at just the perfect time - when we needed to be encouraged by it the most. for example, my sister amy, on the night noah was taken to seattle children's hospital and critically ill, she told us one of the meanings of noah is peace and shared john 14:27, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." amazing.

then another night, actually the night of noah's surgery to find out if what he had was fatal, our friends shelby and kevin came to visit us in the hospital and shared that another meaning of noah is long-living. can you even believe it? and then the next day noah went to live with Jesus for eternity.

and all of that love and support was worked by God, through you, because of a name. love it.

and it just keeps coming.

this picture was posted to my facebook page this morning.

photo cred goes to mrs. lisa phelps

i immediately noticed that the building that rainbow is hovering over is the place john and i celebrated our wedding reception... three years ago. august 28, 2010.

(more on that day, and the man i married, tomorrow.)

and i realized today, for the first time, that in these last few months i personally have not seen a live and real rainbow myself. the "rainbows for noah" have always come, for me, through other people.

sometimes we need others to remind us of God's faithfulness and promises, when we don't have the strength to see them ourselves.

Running Ragged

i can't believe it's been 5 days since i last wrote. moreover, i can't believe i've packed those 5 days so tight that i haven't had the time, or energy, to post anything.

i'm running myself ragged.

wherever the line is between "just-getting-my-mind-off-of-the-pain-for-awhile" distractions and "i-don't-want-to-deal-with-reality" distractions, i'm riding that line.

just a few of the plethora of distractions, whether healthy or unhealthy, that i have focused my energy on the last couple of months...

• running a few times a week with my husband (which i have never before done. i hate running.)
• reading stacks of books
• writing for this blog
• playing with our dog, samson
• gossiping 
• watching copious amounts of television
• and of course if we're talking about distractions, we have to mention work, the most socially acceptable addiction

work has become a place i can be someone else. i turn my mind off of loss and sadness and let it get swept up in deadlines and to-dos. i take on more responsibilities and hours so that i can try to drown out the screaming void of missing noah. but then i'm completely beat at the end of the day and simply too tired to get anything done around the house and too overwhelmed to talk to anyone.

it is very, very easy for me to see why destructive and addictive behaviors can all too effortlessly emerge out of deep pain and loss. as human beings, we search in desperation for any sort of anything to avoid the horrific anger and loss of control in reality. unhealthy coping mechanisms are prime 'go-tos' when there is a gaping hole in your life that needs filling. (and losing a baby you spent years planning for and dreaming about is quite the hole.)

but then i find that all too often i overdo it. i overcompensate. i try too hard to fill the void of noah not being here with as much as i can, until i'm overwhelmed and can't breathe.

i had to cancel a handful of really fun plans with dear friends this week because there weren't enough hours in the day and i just needed rest. (clue #120 that i'm a tried and true introvert.)

for all the ways grief shows up in my world, it glaringly forces me to do life completely differently than i've always done. i can't just work hard, play hard, and rest hard all in three equal measures. because grief, for whatever reason, takes up almost all of my energy, in every area. so something has to give.

i want to answer every text in a timely and thoughtful way.

i want to spend time preparing for our upcoming vacation to the east coast by researching restaurants, buying a cute dress and creating way too detailed, over the top itineraries for each day.

i want to spend quality time with each loving friend who reaches out to us.

so i try and fake it. i assume everything is 'fine' and i can say, "yes" when i really should say, "no."

but i can't do life the way i always have, trying to please everyone. i don't have the capacity.

i can't bury myself in denial, pretending everything is okay and life is just going on as 'normal.'

i need to take care of myself and allow myself a lot more grace.

grief is no joke. it has the sneaking ability to suck the life right out of you.

"Happy" Birthday

so, today is my birthday. i've always loved birthdays and every year i pretty much am counting down the days until august 20th. i was one of those annoying people who not only considers the actual birth date my 'special day' but the entire week. celebrations in my honor could last the entire month of august for all i cared.

this year, however, is very different. i barely even remembered it was my birthday. i don't have a party planned or that butterfly feeling of excitement in my stomach. i had to do the math just now to even figure out how old i'm going to be. there's absolutely no anticipation and i definitely don't feel like celebrating. it's just another day without noah that i have to endure.

a lot has happened this year. a lifetime, in fact. last year for my birthday i made a simple wish for my 31st year - to become a mother.

this time last year my husband and i desperately wanted to be pregnant, and had been trying for almost a year. then finally i miraculously got pregnant, had an amazing nine months with a life in my tummy, our son noah was born, 13 days later he died, and two months after that i'm back where i began.

all this happened between two birthdays. what a year.

so my birthday wish for this year, my 32nd year of life is this -

i hope this is the worst birthday i'll ever have.

(that was actually what my brother and sister wished for me in my birthday card this year and i very much appreciate the sentiment. because it's absolutely spot on true to what i'm feeling.)

sometimes i'm terrified that these last few months might not be the worst time in my life. what if something even more tragic or awful happens in my lifetime? is that even possible? what if i lose another child? what if i lose my husband?

please, please. be cool, God.

i pray, with every bit of hope and faith i have, that the worst is behind me.

and may this be the worst birthday ever because, from here on out, life will just get better and better.