Noah's Pics: Edition Two

i love this picture for so many reasons. one is because noah is being held by his grandma edy, and we all love grandma edy. she was there with us all through labor and noah's birth, supporting and just doing whatever she could to help. she also was there every single day, and sometimes overnight, at the hospital by noah's bedside when he was sick. she knows noah better than anyone besides his mommy and daddy. she's able to remind us of little things he did, like sing in his sleep, when we've forgotten those precious moments. i'm eternally grateful to share noah memories with her. 

another reason i absolutely love this picture is because it's pretty much the only picture we have of noah without him all swaddled up and covered before he got sick. you can see his arm peaking out and a glimpse of the only real outfit he wore. a froggy onesie that grandma edy gave him.

he's also doing his "i love you" in sign language. 

that's our sweet baby boy.

as the gap of time between noah's life on earth and the present grows longer, my memory of him seems to become more hazy. 

his little froggy outfit and blanket don't have his scent anymore.

my arms have forgotten what it feels like to have a 7 pound, 5 ounce baby in them. they only feel heavy and ache for what once was there.

i can no longer hear his distinctive coos in my head. 

i have absolutely no memory of his baby bottom. i know that sounds super weird, and i'm sure it looked just like every other baby's bottom, but i still feel like i'm missing out on something, not knowing.

i also have no memory of changing his diaper. i know i did a couple times on that first glorious day of his life, but i have no recollection. and that breaks my heart. (missing changing my baby's diaper?? sounds crazy, huh? but it's true.)

memories of noah are my only link to him. and when they fade, i feel like he is fading. and that makes me panicked and scared.

time is a constant enemy. the more that it passes, the farther away he feels. and that makes me miss him even more.

yet, i long for time to pass, and pass quickly, so i can leave this palpable, intense pain behind and enter into a new, less heartbreaking season.

no matter how you slice it, with time, i can't win.

but thank God we have this picture, and handfuls of others, so that time, in that one moment, stood still.

In Joy and In Sorrow

three years ago today i walked down the aisle towards the man i had chosen to spend the rest of my life with. in joy and in sorrow. in sickness and health.

and my God did i make the right choice. (more accurately, thank God he chose me!)

i didn't realize it then, but right now, in this brutal season of life, i have come to deeply understand how important it is to marry a person with character. because "as long as we both shall live" lasts a long time and doesn't always involve a fantasy land.

take it from me, if you are thinking of getting married, imagine your fiance under the greatest amount of stress and heartache you can fathom. how do you think they would react? do they lash out with unkindness and disrespect over the tiniest inconvenience now? imagine if the horrific circumstances were soul crushing.

or do they have the capacity to overcome excruciating pain with patience and grace?

nobody really wants to ever think about their darkest times, especially when their life is filled with proposals, kisses and flowers, but it's absolutely necessary. it could save your life.

because when we are the most broken, we are the most vulnerable. and we need to have someone by our side who is tender and gentle at their core. who is willing to make sacrifices, especially emotionally, in order to care for us.

and somehow i got lucky, because the man i married has a strength i didn't know was possible in a human being. he is selfless, loyal and best of all, a loving father. i don't know what happened, or how, but noah changed my husband, for the better. and he was amazing to begin with!

i'm an ugly person most of the time right now. in superficial ways like not wearing makeup and having a jelly-belly tummy. but also in my attitude. i'm less joyful and carefree, and more bitter and jaded. i'm certainly not the woman john married.

at times we are the worst versions of ourselves. and yet, we love.

it's a wonder and a miracle. and what's more, not once these past few months, have john and i taken out our anger on each other. granted, we aren't perfect creatures and sometimes grumpiness gets the best of us, like anyone. but even during the most stressed we've ever been in our entire lives times a million - kindness, patience and grace have been poured over us in bucket loads. and that's in large part to my husband's character.

there was a milli-second moment as we were saying our "in joy and in sorrow" vow three years ago where i sensed our road would not be easy, that maybe tragedy lie ahead. obviously i bounced off of that thought pretty quickly, because that didn't mix well with the celebration of marriage. yet even in that scary moment i had a steady confidence to make this conscience decision and precede on this unknown, perhaps tragic, journey with this man. because i trusted his character. i knew that even if life wasn't always good, my life's partner was. and we would see it through together.

happy anniversary, honey. you're my miracle. i've never loved and cherished you more than i do now. i choose you everyday. and for all of our days.

all photos by Katie Anderson Photography

What's in a Name

looking back on it, we aren't really sure how we landed on the name noah. there was another name we were going to go with for awhile and then, kind of last minute, we switched to noah. and we are so glad we did.

you never know when you're picking out names for a child whether or not they'll "fit". but noah's name fit him perfectly. just the sound of the name noah is sweet and gentle. and that was him. sweet and gentle.

while noah was in the hospital God used his name, in miraculous and beautiful ways, to repeatedly remind us of His presence with us. and almost all of the time God used His people to do it.

pretty much immediately when noah started getting sick we became overwhelmed with updating friends and family with how he was doing. it's not that we didn't want people to know, we actually were desperate for prayers and support, it was so difficult because we were completely numb. we barely knew what was going on, and to try to explain to someone else what we couldn't explain to ourselves is pretty much impossible.

so my sister laura had the brilliant idea to create a group facebook page so we could ask for prayers and give updates to everyone all at once. what a miracle it was.

and what we didn't realize was that, through that page, thousands of people would become invested in noah's life and story. close friends to acquaintances to strangers would reach out with encouragement and prayers.

one of the first days we had the "Pray for Noah" page someone, who i didn't know, posted this picture of a rainbow.

(now it's currently the cover photo on the "Rainbows for Noah" facebook page.)

and just like the noah in the bible, that rainbow, and tons and tons to follow, became a sign of God's promise to us.

we came to also find out that the meanings of the name noah are peace, rest, comfort and long-living. and all of those are a 100% fit for our noah.

we learned of each meaning at just the perfect time - when we needed to be encouraged by it the most. for example, my sister amy, on the night noah was taken to seattle children's hospital and critically ill, she told us one of the meanings of noah is peace and shared john 14:27, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." amazing.

then another night, actually the night of noah's surgery to find out if what he had was fatal, our friends shelby and kevin came to visit us in the hospital and shared that another meaning of noah is long-living. can you even believe it? and then the next day noah went to live with Jesus for eternity.

and all of that love and support was worked by God, through you, because of a name. love it.

and it just keeps coming.

this picture was posted to my facebook page this morning.

photo cred goes to mrs. lisa phelps

i immediately noticed that the building that rainbow is hovering over is the place john and i celebrated our wedding reception... three years ago. august 28, 2010.

(more on that day, and the man i married, tomorrow.)

and i realized today, for the first time, that in these last few months i personally have not seen a live and real rainbow myself. the "rainbows for noah" have always come, for me, through other people.

sometimes we need others to remind us of God's faithfulness and promises, when we don't have the strength to see them ourselves.

Running Ragged

i can't believe it's been 5 days since i last wrote. moreover, i can't believe i've packed those 5 days so tight that i haven't had the time, or energy, to post anything.

i'm running myself ragged.

wherever the line is between "just-getting-my-mind-off-of-the-pain-for-awhile" distractions and "i-don't-want-to-deal-with-reality" distractions, i'm riding that line.

just a few of the plethora of distractions, whether healthy or unhealthy, that i have focused my energy on the last couple of months...

• running a few times a week with my husband (which i have never before done. i hate running.)
• reading stacks of books
• writing for this blog
• playing with our dog, samson
• gossiping 
• watching copious amounts of television
• and of course if we're talking about distractions, we have to mention work, the most socially acceptable addiction

work has become a place i can be someone else. i turn my mind off of loss and sadness and let it get swept up in deadlines and to-dos. i take on more responsibilities and hours so that i can try to drown out the screaming void of missing noah. but then i'm completely beat at the end of the day and simply too tired to get anything done around the house and too overwhelmed to talk to anyone.

it is very, very easy for me to see why destructive and addictive behaviors can all too effortlessly emerge out of deep pain and loss. as human beings, we search in desperation for any sort of anything to avoid the horrific anger and loss of control in reality. unhealthy coping mechanisms are prime 'go-tos' when there is a gaping hole in your life that needs filling. (and losing a baby you spent years planning for and dreaming about is quite the hole.)

but then i find that all too often i overdo it. i overcompensate. i try too hard to fill the void of noah not being here with as much as i can, until i'm overwhelmed and can't breathe.

i had to cancel a handful of really fun plans with dear friends this week because there weren't enough hours in the day and i just needed rest. (clue #120 that i'm a tried and true introvert.)

for all the ways grief shows up in my world, it glaringly forces me to do life completely differently than i've always done. i can't just work hard, play hard, and rest hard all in three equal measures. because grief, for whatever reason, takes up almost all of my energy, in every area. so something has to give.

i want to answer every text in a timely and thoughtful way.

i want to spend time preparing for our upcoming vacation to the east coast by researching restaurants, buying a cute dress and creating way too detailed, over the top itineraries for each day.

i want to spend quality time with each loving friend who reaches out to us.

so i try and fake it. i assume everything is 'fine' and i can say, "yes" when i really should say, "no."

but i can't do life the way i always have, trying to please everyone. i don't have the capacity.

i can't bury myself in denial, pretending everything is okay and life is just going on as 'normal.'

i need to take care of myself and allow myself a lot more grace.

grief is no joke. it has the sneaking ability to suck the life right out of you.

"Happy" Birthday

so, today is my birthday. i've always loved birthdays and every year i pretty much am counting down the days until august 20th. i was one of those annoying people who not only considers the actual birth date my 'special day' but the entire week. celebrations in my honor could last the entire month of august for all i cared.

this year, however, is very different. i barely even remembered it was my birthday. i don't have a party planned or that butterfly feeling of excitement in my stomach. i had to do the math just now to even figure out how old i'm going to be. there's absolutely no anticipation and i definitely don't feel like celebrating. it's just another day without noah that i have to endure.

a lot has happened this year. a lifetime, in fact. last year for my birthday i made a simple wish for my 31st year - to become a mother.

this time last year my husband and i desperately wanted to be pregnant, and had been trying for almost a year. then finally i miraculously got pregnant, had an amazing nine months with a life in my tummy, our son noah was born, 13 days later he died, and two months after that i'm back where i began.

all this happened between two birthdays. what a year.

so my birthday wish for this year, my 32nd year of life is this -

i hope this is the worst birthday i'll ever have.

(that was actually what my brother and sister wished for me in my birthday card this year and i very much appreciate the sentiment. because it's absolutely spot on true to what i'm feeling.)

sometimes i'm terrified that these last few months might not be the worst time in my life. what if something even more tragic or awful happens in my lifetime? is that even possible? what if i lose another child? what if i lose my husband?

please, please. be cool, God.

i pray, with every bit of hope and faith i have, that the worst is behind me.

and may this be the worst birthday ever because, from here on out, life will just get better and better.

A Mother's Love

my dear friend and i spent some precious time at noah's place yesterday afternoon. we wept. we laughed. we wondered about heaven. we talked about why boys are scared to ask girls out. we read hebrews 11. (well, she did. i listened.) we talked about compassion and co-suffering.

and i did some sweeping.

sometimes when there's nothing else a mother can do for her son, to care for him and nurture him, she finds an act of love as simple as sweeping up the pine needles around his memorial.

so that's what i did.

Noah's Place

this weekend was one i had been dreading for a long time.

about a month ago we had to make the agonizing decision about where to keep noah's ashes. it's obviously something no parent wants to think about and for us was just incredibly overwhelming. at first we felt like the only place that seemed 'right' was having his ashes at home. this was probably just because we didn't know what else to do and had no desire to put them in some sort of unknown, far off, insignificant place.

then our loving church graciously offered a spot in their memorial garden, as a gift in noah's honor. and after some thought we realized this was the place we wanted noah's earthly remains to be kept.

one of the main reasons we chose the memorial garden is because it's a place where others can visit and remember noah, and including others in his life and memory is incredibly important to us.

on friday we had a very small service dedicating noah's earthly remains to his final resting place. for weeks i was dreading it. i was worried. i was scared. i avoided thinking about it. we were burying our son and that made me so mad i can't even put it into words.

but looking back on that day, i'm thankful. our very dear pastor who married my husband and i three years ago, led us in a sweet and sacred time where scriptures were declared, honest prayers spoken and our closest family read the most tender and loving letters they had written to our boy. it was personal, special and heartbreaking and heart-filling all at the same time.

what i once dreaded turned into a time i will never forget. i'm more in love with my family then ever. and that word 'my' includes my husband's side of the family, as well. a group of people i've always loved but i realized this weekend that over time the title 'in-laws' have dropped and they have become my family too. and i love them in a deeper, more personal way. another gift of noah's life. thanks, buddy.

somewhere between yesterday and a million years ago was the day noah went to be with Jesus forever. (on a standard calendar it's two months ago today.) and with my husband's arm firmly around me the entire time, and sweat running down my shaking legs, we said good-bye. and it was the most difficult thing i have ever had to do. i didn't want to leave. i clung to the lettering on the marble. i wept as i pathetically tried to 'care for noah' by cleaning his little spot, wiping dust away from the stone and making sure it was the perfect resting place for him, my sweet son.

behind this stone is what remains on earth of our much beloved and cherished little boy, and his love notes from grandmas and grandpas, aunts and uncles, and mommy and daddy.

but noah's tomb is empty.

because, we believe, noah is not there. his earthly remains are, but he is not. and though that little brown wooden box is filled with what remains of noah's precious and perfect body, what really makes noah the baby and son we love so much, his spirit and soul, are somewhere else much better.

noah's place in the memorial garden, with the waterfall, scriptures engraved on stone, and gorgeous green plants, is a clear reminder to us of noah's eternal life. and, God knows, we need that reminder.

the angel said to the women, "do not be afraid; for i know that you are looking for Jesus who has been crucified. He is not here, for He has risen, just as He said. come, see the place where He was lying. go quickly and tell His disciples that He has risen from the dead; and behold, He is going ahead of you into galilee, there you will see Him; behold, i have told you." (matthew 28:5-7)

BELLEVUE PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH MEMORIAL GARDEN
*photo cred goes to auntie amy*